If you control your relationships in different areas of your life, you are able to enjoy those relationships and they give you satisfaction. Those areas of your life which make you uncomfortable or fearful occupy much of your attention, and they suppress your ability to survive and be successful.
If you learn how to reach and withdraw from dangerous or uncomfortable people in your life, you will discover how to manage your relationships so they no longer affect you negatively. The mere fact you are connected to someone who makes you feel inadequate or fearful says that you made a bad choice in connecting up with them.
You decided to reach for them sometime in the past and you failed to recognize that they were bad for you because they continually make you feel small and inadequate. There was something attractive in connecting up with them and you overlooked disturbing signs when they appeared. You failed to gather enough data about connecting to them when you first met.
You did a reach by putting attention on the person or situation without preparing to withdraw at the first sign of danger or something that did not make sense. When I use the term withdraw, I mean pulling your attention off the person or situation and bringing it back to known and familiar territory as in comparing where you have gotten by reaching back to a safe and supportive environment where you felt successful and productive.
Let’s take a job interview or first date as example of ordinary reaching. You have decided to make a change and you are reaching out and connecting to a new person or organization. If this is to be successful, you need to withdraw your attention from connecting up and look closely at what is important to you at the first sign of something unexpected or hostile.
You are attracted by the possibilities that the person or opportunity seem to present, but they bring up something that doesn’t make sense! This is the point where you withdraw and look at what you know to be true for you and compare it to what is now being presented. This will give you some questions to ask so you can clarify exactly what this new relationship is offering. You reach again with these questions and either resolve the confusion or confirm that obstacles exist which need to be resolved.
If you get resistance to your questions, you will have already confirmed that the relationship will not be pleasant one and should be terminated as son as possible. If they are willing to answer your questions, you may get confirmation that the person or organization wants you to perform in ways you do not like and you should terminate your attempts to join them immediately. If your attitude is open and friendly and the relationship offer is a good one, you should get answers that reinforce your desire to join the person or group.
Reaching and withdrawing in this way will give you the data you need to establish a lasting and worthwhile relationship. If you and the person or organization are willing to talk freely about any and all concerns during your initial meetings, you have the opportunity to establish a relationship that will last for years. If you know what you are looking for in the relationship and communicate this in a caring way while being prepared to withdraw if things get confusing, you have a good chance of ending up with a lasting and workable relationship.
The secret to a good relationship is in learning what the other party really expects, and communicating what you expect in return, using caring communication at all times. If you understand that the process of building relationships requires continuing reaching and withdrawing as described above, you will be happy, productive, and successful.