Only a Pet Owner Can Truly Appreciate This

Very early this morning I read this treasure in Indigo Insights. It was originally penned by “Don from the mountains of Virginia” who sounds like he should have his own weblog.

After I slept a few more hours and emerged with cup of tea in hand and glasses in place, Gretchen insisted I must read a hilarious essay on Fragments. On firing up the computer, I could see that Don’s “Dear Dog and Cats” letter is well on its way to becoming internet history. I want to read more of Don’s work. Does he have a web site?

UPDATE: I received a comment from Indigo Insights and Googled “The dishes with the paw prints are yours.”

There are 482 listings containing that phrase, some dating back to August.

Many of these showed slight variations and I saw no attribution leading to the original author. Perhaps he or she will step forward some day or we will read the entire story on the Urban Legends site.

Since the author is legendary and anonymous, I will reprint the story in its entirety below to make it easy for late arriving visitors.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog’s butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don’t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t smoke or drink, don’t worry about buying the latest fashions, don’t wear your clothes, don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

–Author unknown

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